Again
by Merigold
Summary: It's so hard to believe I'm nothing with the way he touches me.


**Revised Author's Note:** I fixed some typos, and the tense. I apologize, I'm not used to writing in present tense.  Also changed the title, I think it's a bit more fitting. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They corner me in the morning, to tell me. To break it to me before they announce it to the whole office, I suppose

It makes sense. It really does. Them being 'together,' I mean.  Though he doesn't realize it, Tsuzuki needs some kind of protection.   And though I tried to be that protection, I tried so hard, it wasn't enough.  It isn't enough.  And _he _is much better suited to safeguard violet-eyed shinigami than myself.  Good. Good. I'm glad someone will be there to take care of him. 

They tell me quietly, not bothering to keep the smiles off their faces. Even more, I can feel their shared happiness.  It makes me happy to see them happy.  To see Tsuzuki happy. Oh, look, they're holding hands.

They're waiting for my response. Is it ok, them being together? Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be ok?  It's the greatest thing to ever happen to them both. Right. Keep your voice even. Tell them it's fine. Smile.  Come on, you can do it. 

It's an odd little smile, but it seems to satisfy them. Again, you can feel their happiness, and now their relief.

Keep smiling. Oh, yes. Well, you have some paperwork you need to take care of. Tell them. Escape.

I start towards my office, and as soon as I get around the corner, that painful little smile vanishes like it had never been. I need to get out of here. To be anywhere but here.

Outdoors. Nice. The sakura, like always, are in bloom. I shudder and turn away from them. I don't need those memories now. I curl up in the corner, between the wall and stairs, instead. 

_That's what you get,_ the little voice taunts, _that's what you get for daring to think anyone would ever care about you._

I don't reply. The voice is only telling the truth. 

_Haven't you learned by_ now? _You're lucky he stayed with you that long… longer than all the others did._

Yes. I am grateful. But- 

No 'buts', no nothing. He deserves happiness so much more than you. Let Tsuzuki go have his happiness.  You are nothing; you can't give that to him. Leave it to him. Be happy.

I am happy. I am happy that he is happy. 

_Then why are you crying?_

Shocked, I realize that I am crying. Have been for a while. Silently, of course. If anyone were to hear me and notice, I would lose even the tiny bit of respect I have. 

_What respect? You are a useless, crying child. Stop it. Go back to work. You can't avoid them forever._ __

He is right. I brush the remaining tears away, and steel myself. Get up. 

And fall right back down with a choked cry. _No. _Bad. Shouldn't make noise.  The tears are back. 

_Oh, really. You're so _weak. _Get over it. No one will ever want you, accept it, move on. I don't know why someone wonderful like him was even near you in the first place. Every time he looks at you, I don't know how he stands it. You're a reminder of the one he hates. _

…the one he hates? 

_Muraki.  You're Muraki's doll, his puppet, marked by him. Every time Tsuzuki sees you, he must be reminded of the man who almost drove him to suicide. Again. You hurt him by being near him. Don't you think of anyone but yourself?_

I give no reply. I am regaining control of myself again. 

_Get up. Go back to work._

Yes. Yes. I rub my eyes. Put the mask back on. Cold, disinterested. Certainly not hurt in the slightest. My eyes ache, and are probably red, but I just blink a few times to dispel the pain.  It works, a little. 

Walk back in the office. Avoid everyone's eyes. One foot in front of the other. Almost there. 

I'm stopped. What? Oh. Hand on my arm. It's Tsuzuki. Of course it's him. 

It's so hard to believe I'm nothing with the way he touches me. 

He's worried. Oh, Tsuzuki. Always worried about everyone. I won't hurt you anymore. You don't deserve that.  Maybe I can get a transfer?  The thought of leaving makes me ill. At this point, I just want to move on and be done with it.  The concern from Tsuzuki increases, and I gently pull his hand off my arm.  Smile again. I can handle one more smile.  For him. 

I never smiled before I met him. 

"Hisoka, are you ok? Your eyes are red, and you've been gone so long…" 

Yes. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. The smile hurts. I wave him off, and go to work on my neglected paperwork. 

I'm fine. I have to be. 

Fin.

A/N: This is so weird. I'm a sap/fluff person. I hate angst without happy ending, AND I JUST WROTE ONE! Gah. I blame exams. They melted my brain. 

It wasn't too clear who Tsuzuki was with (or even who was narrating, at first), but… this is just what I think Hisoka's perspective On Tat x Tsu would be.  I just needed to write it. 

**Revised Note:** I'm working on a continuation of this…. I think. Maybe. *looks shifty*


End file.
